Conversations I
He:... I don't know if it will make sense. But mourning or grief doesn't exactly have an endpoint, right? You just learn to live with the loss. Grief may not be continuous. It hits you in bouts over a long period of time with different intensities. But just like grief, love for that person occurs the same way.
She: Yet still, something is constant. At least for as long as I have been experiencing it. You feel like a ship lost afloat in the middle of the ocean amidst an infinite thunderstorm. Death is like...it’s like the anchor missing; the compass lost into the deep waters. You just accept and sail ahead, uncertain about where you will land ashore but knowing that the rains are here to stay...
He: Hmm...I have a funny imagination. I always see loved ones who have left us, living in a small cottage amidst the mountains. They're always preparing a dish. The dish is a bowl of wishes and blessings with a generous sprinkle of love and joy. And while we play outside and move on with life, trying to climb mountains, they watch us from that small window. And when we fall hard, that's when they emerge out of the cottage. They bring us in and calm us. And once we're okay, they give us that dish they've been preparing eternally. And then everything seems alright. So, we go out and start climbing again.
She: Hmm... Then maybe the rains will lead me there one day... I hope I am sailing north there... to that island with the mountains and small cottages...
He: Perhaps you are...
She: Perhaps you are right, grief is lasting but so is love from that island...
He: Perhaps ..
She: Perhaps ..
Conversations II
Her: I hear you.
You can decide for yourself if you want to stay in this pit of distress with the weight of your Griefcase or
you might as well decide to move ahead and seek a safe space.
For once, it’s okay to be selfish.
She: ...I am afraid that the moment I come out they will start pointing fingers at me.. for being the one who left, for being the one who was selfish and for betraying the promises that I will always be there. Despite all the cares you gave but for the last one you saved for yourself, you’ll be hated...
Her: Everyone carries their own baggage and some carry Griefcases too. When their own delivery arrives in whatever ways it might be, they will at least realise even if they fail to understand. So you don’t have to explain what is inside your case to people who don’t carry it...
She: So I should start en route with my luggage...
Her:...You should
Conversations III
He: But you are doing great. You are in a better place.
You deserve to pat yourself on the back.
I know I've said this but you have done mighty well over the last few months.
She: I want to believe in that too. I hope so too
Him: I think you should believe it.
Just take yourself a year back and where you were. I'm not saying everything is gone now and it's all good. But I think you are in a better place now.
Maybe the mess of all the feelings still remains, but you are better equipped to deal with them now.
That's how we would associate growth right.
She: “You are in a better place now” ...better place...
Him:...
She: ...
Conversations IV
Them: Experiencing death is equally painful for everyone and we don’t want to undermine ours from other’s but of all the ways of losing to death, sudden ones are the most painful and I hope that no one has to go through it.
He: Sometimes, I feel a little jealous for those who were able to steal time in the hospital rooms or in the sickbed..for the last word, the last smile and for closures. I struggled in between nightmares and dreams afraid to sleep anymore, until this point of acceptance that I have reached after many years. It will only be on my own time when I leave, that is when I can finally tell my love as well as regrets to her.
She: He wrote about her last wishes and their last night together in pages for the world to read. As for me, I don’t even have a blank page... because I will never know...if there was ever a last wish or nothing like a blank page.
She: One month before she got married I asked her how I’d live without her and she promised the little girl that she will never leave and will always be there for her. I never expected she will leave unexpected, unwarned and unannounced. I am no longer a little girl but I can say for sure...I struggled terribly to live without her.
He: You know, we can’t always unite in grief with everyone who has lost a dear one. I have stopped explaining knowing better that I empathise with their loss but they cannot with mine, just because they don’t know what it means to suddenly lose.
He: I lost my father at a young age, siblings, mother and friends. Many a funeral I have attended but I have never felt as much pain as I did losing my own child.
She: For almost a year, I lived thinking and expecting that mom will come back one day.
She: I didn’t know it was him, until very late that the boy in the accident was him. Later that afternoon I retrieved all my old messenger trying miserable hard to find if he has left any messages... there were two "Hi" sent on different dates that I did respond to back then. I still did not reply back that afternoon, but I have sent so many messages to heaven since that day.
He: You have children, build a family and grow old together for so many years...now it gets lonely in the evening without her.
Conversations V
She: But if you have to grief you can as long as you want to and in whatever way you want to and it’s okay to do so within its own limits.
She: I know that from time to time it'll hit me and I'll grief then.
God welcomes all kinds of emotions and grief is there too.
So I will not shy away from it if an when it’s time arrives.
She: Allow yourself ...
She: For now I’ll stay strong for them, and when my time comes, I will allow grief into the room and he can stay with me as long as he wants.. just this short while, I cannot lose myself for them.
xxx
(Declaimer: Some of the talks includes lines and words said by the people I have had conversations on grief and loss. These statements and conversations have no intention to undermine any individuals’ own experience with loss and grief. None of the statements is in the exact way as they have been stated in the actual conversation and changes have been made along with the setting of the paragraphs. Some similarities might be identified but with all respect, it is not targeted to any specific individual and changes have been made to maintain anonymity.
I want to thank everyone who has been there shoulder to shoulder through all my tearful and grieving conversations as well as during my silence and still continue to do so. I pray for hope and healing to everyone struggling and overcoming loss)
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