Living through Death: On acknowledging Grief

 

We are born knowing and receiving love first but in the end, we die knowing more than just love- grief being one of them. None of these compound sentiments and emotions can be avoided and that is the price we pay for living. But when our own final day arrives, I hope that one carries back home more of the love received and less of the ones that hurt. Knowing well that a farewell to life will inevitably come one day, our aspirations in life should also include striving to rest more with love- on both Eternal Love and on the love shared with our brothers and sisters.

From the moment a loved one dies, bereavement arrives unconsciously and it lingers around for a while. However in time, we gradually adapt to the absence; it fades as new friends or new love arrives, or we begin adjusting to the emptiness as we gradually allow others to occupy the void that has been created by loss. Grief, on the other hand, comes with a veil-unexpected, unannounced and quietly crept in. I lived a year struggling with bereavement without realising that, the love and care from the ones near me have already occupied little spaces of the vacuum brought in by a sudden loss. Yet at many junctures of this journey to survive the distress, there was an unexplainable weight that was constantly pulling me down to thinking that I will be alone and lost. This was grief.

Grief. Grief comes with multiple faces masqueraded as either emptiness, chaos or in different experiences and feelings. Bereavement kindly hits you at an instant in the form of the sudden silence with the absence of the ones gone. With Grief, we have only to allow its bouts and high to slowly take their shapes in time. My resistance from grief came only because I was unaware and could not distinguish Grief apart from the mundane feelings. I had known loss from a very young age, but now I have realised that even after many years of countless funerals, I could never embrace grief wholly. It took me another year to come face to face with grief. I paused, slowed down and extended my invitation to Grief as it gradually came out from the dark.

Grief required no explanation, only silence. Grief did not come with tears, but with flashes of past events gradually fading as memories. Grief as I have felt it came as my own bowl of soup; as mine own. Through many silent days and nights as I slowly sipped in the soup from my bowl; sometimes sour and sometimes sweet-I became incredibly quiet. Throughout my journey I did not have words, I only had to be accountable to myself for how I was feeling. There is no equality on the measure of grief nor a shared similarity in the experiences even amongst people who have lost love ones. What brings us together is simply the knowledge of the unknown, that which someone must be going through.

Grief isolates you. Loneliness and grief go hand in hand- not to imply being cut off from the rest of the world, but an inward detachment from oneself from the rest. It is just you and your own unique experience. There is no way to coax Grief into a box, nor will there ever be a common lexicon on Grief. I may page my experiences with Grief my friend in between two hardcovers for the bookshelf, but it will never succeed to resonate wholly with another person in grief. Each person wears his own grief’s identity.

Grief also has another face and for me, this is the actual face of Grief. Grief is also Love. It comes disguised with a multitude of faces as it hides in the dark. Death instils fear and it is our fears that project Grief with its different faces either as ugly, difficult, painful or otherwise. As I began to face each phase of Grief and wear every scar left by it, I also recovered- feeling less heavier and lonely. Love alone heals, if finally embracing Grief has lead to healing, then Grief must have been just a disguised form of love that I was afraid to accept. 

Maybe Grief is all the remaining love to be given and showed in the future but now only left at a standstill with the death of a loved one. So I will hold on to Grief within myself and keep it as a continuation of the love for the ones gone, knowing well that I will be no longer able to give it.

Allowing brought acceptance. Invitation brought arrivals, slowly, but gradually one after another. There is difficulty in loving Grief but there is hope that the suffering will find a tolerant point, if not an end and that Love finds Grief. Joy is found within and Happiness self-made; similarly, Grief will also take its place, but this time in the light- acknowledged. Grief will remain, so will Death arrives again with fresh wounds. But, Love will also stay and Life will welcome you with second chances to forgive and heal.

In my own journey so far, I have finally reached ashore from the storm knowing very well that as I stand amidst this wreckage, in my ‘Household of Life Experiences’, Grief and suffering will have their room. But this time, I will rebuild each wall and lay my foundations with bricks of Love. So as I continue with life, I shall extend my invitation to all things beautiful and ugly with Love and, welcome them with acceptance.