Living through Death: A final lesson.

We grieve for numerous reasons, both big and small. We may grieve for a friendship that is broken as well as for a dying plant in the room, and we may even grieve for the death of a loved animal while also feel the same for the end of a passing season. Grief is felt at varying degrees and we may fail to realise it, but as much as we laugh and love we also grieve daily. It may be because of the negativity that is associated with grieving that forces human nature to overlook it so much that, we only deeply notice grief’s presence during an intense event. But what if we accepted grief daily? Is it possible that man can move forward alongside with grief like the way we accept peace, joy, tears and laughter?

The only time grief is given its recognition is at the event of a death. Yet, we miss to realise that if love is our first lesson in life, then we have also known grief as early as we can remember love and not just at death’s time; death alone is not associated with grief nor should it mean an exit of love. Grief has always moved along with Love and Love sustains grief. So then, just as hate brings the opportunity to love with difficulty, so does every feeling of grief brings the chance to open our hearts to accept love at its darkest.

God made all things beautiful and so is grief, therefore what only awaits is a willing supplication to realize the message and lessons from experiencing it. At the time of drafting this blog post, I thought about Jesus Christ at Gethsemane, He knew what was ahead for Him and what shall unfold. It made me question whether Jesus grieved for His own fate while saying His prayers. This thought about the King of Kings, and Prince of Peace humbly kneeling in prayer, with tears and in grief at Gethsemane, is a strong reminder to us- nimble humans "chosen" to be called children of God, that we are not short from experiencing grief. 

So, grief surely must not be all bad as we think of it, but that it is one of God's creation and a part of God-designed life for us. Looking back at the resurrection of Christ- He grieved but He also rose from the dead. Amongst the many messages from this Gospel and the different variations on the lesson about Hope that we can derive, it also teaches us to believe that even on seasons of grief there is a purpose. Grief is an opportunity for us to have more hope on what the Lord has planned for us and to believe that we are being shaped equally and daily by our experience with grief as much as love, pain and sufferings do so. 

Nobody knew it then and with prayerful courage gathered I write this; that for a whole year, I denied myself from grieving and accepting the death of someone incredibly important to me; My sister. She played a crucial part in my life and it was extremely challenging to live a new life in the complete absence of someone without whom my life story from the day that I was born will fall short of its meaning. To speak about her will need pages and pages, however if I had to describe her in one sentence- most loved and one of the kindest daughters of God. I still struggle to this date to find words to describe how it felt to suddenly wake up one morning, alone in your room and to learn that she is gone. I was not prepared and for a long while, I struggled by constantly questioning God as to why I was not given a chance, why I was never warned, something like that at Gethsemane, my own share of Gethsemane- a window to beg, to make amends, or to be prepared. 

Growing up and the experiences of overcoming life’s obstacles and challenging made me think that I am alone and that there is no one with me- I had always reminded myself not to be weak and to stay strong. Weakness has never been an option. As I look back to that morning when my sister died, while stunned with the shock of the news and receiving endless calls of condolences from multiple people (for whose prayers and support I am always very grateful), a good friend finally called me and my first reflex words were "I am not going to cry"- I responded like I had always done with life’s difficulties.Now that I think about that call at the balcony, I still cannot thank my friend enough for talking me through the reality and for her encouragement’s that I should cry through the pain. That day I flew and travelled for more than 15 hours only crying, and I am incredibly grateful that I did cry. There was weakness that day, I was at my weakest but there was also strength and resilience. 

However, it did not end there as I still continued the hate towards grief and vulnerability. I drowned myself with chaotic days and sleepless nights, with daily work meetings and monthly travels here and there - all of these only as an excuse and denial. The detest I had on the idea of grieving grew more day by day as I would suddenly stop every morning at 2 am in between work and sob. This vicious cycle of overworking and crying every night lasted for more than a year until one day when I broke down. Gradually, I had to leave my career ambitions, I chose to give up on the need to keep networking and expand, the daily compulsion to promptly respond to emails and constantly keeping up with everyone on social media. When my body and health could no longer endure, when new health complications started showing up every single day, I knew that I had to hide from the world and allowed  myself to grieve and heal.  What followed after this was a year long of hiding from everyone with absolutely no contacts, aimlessly writing books after books to navigate my way out of my mind, painfully crying every single night for another year- another 365 days, and continuously reading in search of resonance while infinitely giving myself up and putting my trust on God. 

Today, I still grieve but I do it knowing very well that it is as much a feeling like joy, happiness and laughter. Each grieving tear has been an opportunity for me to learn more about the purpose of this season. I remind myself daily that from my childhood, grief has always been a part of me as does all other feelings and that it was not suddenly due to a particular event. Earlier, I quivered with tears and struggled with stutters while trying to explain the story of my sister but this season of grieving has taught me that I should instead rejoice and thank God for the chance to have had a sister in my (and our) lives. Once I had started understanding this and thought in this way, every time now when I talk about my sister, though I tremble, I smile and speak because such conversation is now always accompanied by a thanksgiving prayer in my heart and the strength to do this only comes from God above.

My prayers now include thanking God for the gift of my sister's lifetime, for the joy and the love she had given us and for her time here to do her good deeds; for I know that she has completed her task on earth. Realising this has shifted my tears to smiles every time I think of her. This season of grief has also taught me that I am immensely loved, incredibly favoured and never alone. 

This is only one of the multiple realisations I had, as I grieved through the purpose of my sister's life and death. Even though gone, by accepting grief positively, her death continues to lead me more towards God's purpose and life lessons for me and I only see more opportunities to have Hope and Faith. 

Penning down this part of my experience makes me incredibly vulnerable but not weak. This reflects no incapacity of mine but only of a lesson to share on grief and growth while living through the experiences of the Death of a loved one. I pray that my lessons and story on grief (despite its shortcomings) will help someone in whatever kind of a situation they may be going through right now. 

We grieve daily for multiple reasons and it is just not for one major life event. May times of hate continue to teach us that there is an opportunity to love and may our sorrows and grief lead us towards Hope and to God's plan and purpose.